You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
