i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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