she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
