So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
