i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
