Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
