I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
