i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
