I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
