I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
