I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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