Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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