I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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