someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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