she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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