Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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