I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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