Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize