You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
