i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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