I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
