I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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