We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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