I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
