No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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