I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
