On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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