Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
