Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
