Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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