You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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