Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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