The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
