When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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