Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
