you have to choose: penises or morals?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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