If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
