Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
