just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
