The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize