my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
