While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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