note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
