it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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