My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize