I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
