This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
