Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so let's talk penis.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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