Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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