my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
