dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
