It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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