Who did Billy Mays play for?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
