I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
