New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
