I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
