If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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