I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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