Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
