two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
