I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
