positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
