My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
