We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How does one acquire holy water?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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