she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He passed out mid-signature
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize