i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
