remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize