I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
