There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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